I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
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[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.