Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
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Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Never forget.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps