I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?