I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Friday night party time 🥳
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.