*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
You Might Also Like
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.