True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
You Might Also Like
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
me adding lol on a serious message
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.