I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Actually cracking up @ this
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”