Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
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Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Lunatics are gonna loon.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”