surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
You Might Also Like
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Need this in my life lol
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders