At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
A family that plays together cheats.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.