I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.