Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit