mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
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I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
You can’t rush stupid.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
also my go-to takeaway order
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?