SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging