If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.