When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me