[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember