*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
You Might Also Like
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
pat pat
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.