Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
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This is no longer winter this is harassment
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
a lot to unpack here
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I have never related to anyone more.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.