83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
gm
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
it was love at first sight