Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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Stop.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
fly smarter, not harder
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
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