When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*