It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
also my go-to takeaway order
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
awkward
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.