When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?