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Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.