*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
How actors in movies eat their food
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.