Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.