The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!