The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
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There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Best mom ever 😂
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.