Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
You have been warned.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
this article brought to you by lions
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.