What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Sending in my taxes
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock