me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever