me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
You Might Also Like
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
the clam before the storm
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.