We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
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[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
When you kidnap a writer.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
And that about sums it up.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works