I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
We decided to have money instead of children.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.