Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
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Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣