MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!