To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…