Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
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I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
How animals would run if they were human
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.