I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I think I’ll stand
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.