[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders