My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
me before I type out affect or effect
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
wait.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.