at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Poetry is my passion
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.