*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.