♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I wanna be friends with this person
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.