#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
You Might Also Like
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
what?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.