Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
me and my fake scenarios
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible