The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My whole life was a lie.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
How software testing works
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?