I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Dudes named Chance never had one.