“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.